HICKSVILLE NEWSLETTER HUMOR CORNER
A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket. She was issued a citation and had to appear in court. She decided to take her "long-suffering" husband for marital support. The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place. The judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.
"This time you stole a can of tomatoes."
"Yes," she said.
"And there were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"
The woman agreed.
"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."
The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge.
He said, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?"
"Well," said his honor, "this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case."
"You may approach the bench," the judge said.
The husband wasted no time getting to the bench.
He leaned forward and said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas."
RETIREMENT STORY - HUMOR
For those of you contemplating retirement, I would like to share my retirement experiences with you, which I hope will be helpful.
Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's southeast coast. The last time we saw our grandkids was on Grandchildren's Day when they were dragged down by their parents. We were living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton, Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee. There are 3,000 lakes in Florida, only 3 are real. It would be great if the kids came down to visit us this winter, as there is so much going on.
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Back by popular demand, the feisty, Hip Replacement Tappers Club will be tap dancing to the 'Flight of the Bumble Bee'. It promises to be quite a production with lots of singing and dancing. This year I am not in the cast but will be standing by with the defibrillator volunteers.
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Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the next day. Then of course, there are the visits to the doctors' and dentist's offices.
Let me take you through a typical day:
- We get up at 5 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us and, rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.
- My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR.
- I put on my 'ask me about my grandchildren' T-shirt, my mid-calf shorts, my socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap. Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free!
- After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in, or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.
- We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early-bird about 3 PM, but we get there at 3:45 because we are late diners. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, Sweet-and-Low packets and mints.
- At 5:30 PM, we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep. Then we make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.
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Doctor-related activities will eat up most of retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also help the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there is the hold time until you are connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you are holding, and the whole office goes to lunch.
I must say, many of the receptionists are quite rude. They keep you standing at that dopey little, closed glass window, totally ignoring you. After 1/2 an hour, I ignore the 'do not tap on the window' sign and tap on the window. This always drives them nuts. If you do, they put down their Egg McMuffin or their copy of 'National Enquirer', and fling open the window, ready for a fight. I lie, explaining I tapped on the window accidentally because I have Parkinson's.
They claim they are required to keep the window closed because of the Privacy Law but I don't believe it. Are they afraid if I were to overhear Sol Lipshitz has hemorrhoids, that I would blackmail him or sell the information to a foreign government? In Florida everyone has hemorrhoids!
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Should one find they still have time on their hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate.
Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet tall, and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80'. I coach their basketball team --'The Arthritic Avengers'. The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they have never tasted. Whenever I see one of them struggling to reach a jar of Gefilte Fish, I rush over to lend a hand.
After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars. They wander the parking lot for hours looking for their car while their food defrosts.
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As for housing, choosing a development with suitable amenities is an important decision. The various clubs in these communities provide most of the activities. Our development has over 300 clubs. There's something for everyone; Clubs like the Kidney-donating Club, the Taliban Club, the East-meets-West Club, etc. A truly active community is one where the ambulance is there several times a day and is part of the Travel Club.
Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication, and wealth. Where would you rather live...Murray's Condos or The Lakes of Venice? There is no difference; they are both owned by Murray who happens to be a cheapskate!
The Italian names appeal to those name-dropping, phony snowbirds that are out to impress their friends up north. I once heard someone say, 'We spend our summers in the Catskills, but we winter at Villa Borghese in Delray Beach'. I have been to Villa Borghese. There are 1,200 Jews and two Italians.
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I hope this material has been of some help to you future retires. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.
- Anonymous
HICKSVILLE TIDBITS
Third Track Project
We reported earlier about a third track project for the LIRR that would run between the Hicksville station and Floral Park. The controversy continued to swirl and the culmination of the whirlwind was the abandonment of the project. The reason cited for the cancellation was lack of funds.
However, a 3.1 billion dollar project to send LIRR trains into Grand Central Station in Manhattan, otherwise known as the East Side Access project, is in full swing. This is slated to be completed by 2015 when train service is scheduled for the new LIRR stop at Grand Central Terminal.
Additional items on the agenda for the billion-dollar project are supplemental issues regarding track repair, track reconfiguration and signal improvements in Jamaica so that service demands can be met for the East Side Access project.
High Heel Benefit Race
Congratulations to Amy Palmiero-Winters of Hicksville, a below the knee amputee and world record holder, for competing against able-bodied women in the Live with Regis & Kelly High Heel-A-Thon.
The High Heel A Thon is a 150-yard dash competition for females only. The event is held in Central Park and benefits the March of Dimes and is sponsored by "Dr. Scholl's For Her."
Palmiero-Winters is the current record holder for female amputees in the 5 kilometer, 10 kilometer, marathon, marathon and ultra-marathon. In addition, she is the world champion in the Olympic distance triathlon and the world record holder in the Ironman Triathlon.
Palmiero-Winters's recent awards include the Peoples Choice Runners World Heroes of Running Award, Erie Times Female Athlete of the Year, and the National Italian American Sports Hall of Fame Sportswoman of the Year, Pittsburgh Chapter.
Hicksville Library
Senior citizens who do not drive or just have trouble getting around. Others confined to home because of handicap or illness. You may be eligible for Homebound Services.
Call the library if you are interested in this service. Reading material can be brought to your door.
Also, Notary Public Service is available at the Hicksville Library, 169 Jerusalem Avenue, Hicksville, NY 11801. Call 516-931-1417 for further information.
Hicksville Water District
Thomas Cunningham and Warren Uss were looking to fill the Water Commissioner seat on the water district board. The vacancy was created when Richard Humann announced his retirement. Humann held that position for 24 years. Commissioner terms are three years.
Elections were held on September 2, 2008 and Warren Uss received a majority of votes @355 to 340 cast for Cunningham.
Uss is third generation Hicksville resident. He was a registered representative of the New York Stock Exchange specializing in tax free municipal bonds and fixed income securities. He also operated his own home improvement business for 15 years and is currently employed as a fire-alarm dispatcher for the Hicksville Fire District.
Uss is an active member of the Hicksville Fire Department for over 35 years. Uss has been very active in the Hicksville community for years.
Uss was sworn in as commissioner on September 9, 2008 at a board meeting.
West Nile Virus On The Move
There hadn't been much activity with respect to the West Nile Virus in Nassau County this year. August, however, changed the scene to one of disaster as two people were diagnosed with West Nile and both have passed away.
One happened to be a friend of mine, 75 year old George Cody, who owned and operated a plumbing supply business. He lay in a coma for almost two weeks before succumbing to the virus.
The other was an 80 year old female from New Hyde Park.
Speed Monitoring Devices
In an effort to curtail speeding around Hicksville schools, an effort is being made to install speed monitoring devices. The device has been conveniently reduced in size and can be attached to a pole nearby to the street. As a vehicle enters the area in vicinity of the device, and electronic signal is displayed on the device that shows the speed that vehicle is maintaining at that particular time.
The first such device has been successfully installed at the Hicksville Middle School (HMS) on Jerusalem Avenue.
Many thanks to Assemblyman Rob Walker and Pam Lamonda-Jaffie, immediate past president of the Hicksville Middle School Parent Teacher Student Association (PTSA) for their effort in bringing this dream to fruition.
TRULY USELESS TRIVIA
- If you put all the streets in New York City in a straight line, they would stretch to Japan.
- On Valentine's Day, there is no charge to get married in the Empire State Building's chapel.
- The Hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards.
- The city of Los Angeles has three times more automobiles than people.
- The first human made object to break the sound barrier was a whip.
- The smallest county in America is New York County, better known as Manhattan.
- Frogs never drink.
- Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
- The starfish is the only animal that can turn its stomach inside out.
- Theodore Roosevelt was the only president who was blind in one eye.
