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Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Tina.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.  You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.
" So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear  Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony 

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama

 

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a  problem."

Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says  Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks???

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"

Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that?

You always order me around like I'm nothing.

And you only call me when you want something.

And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis.

You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet.

It tastes like dreck!  YOU should eat it yourself! 

And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home.  Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!

I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable!  So, what's the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem!  I said  "Fetch," not  "Kvetch."

 

From a traffic cop:
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS..
I asked for  her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady  took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed carry permit.
I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something, body language, or the way she said it made me ask if she had any other fire arms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.
Now I had to ask one more time if that was all, she responded once again She did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of?  She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a damn  thing!"

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
And make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot..

 'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
And your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
Just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
Means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you can find your car
In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.

AND...'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure these are jokes