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Bob
came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and
fell into a deep slumber. He
awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your
sleep, Bob.' Bob
was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send
me back!' St.
Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and
that is as a chicken.' Bob
was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
home.... The
next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking
the ground. A
rooster strolled past.. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first
day here?' 'Not
bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like
I'm gonna explode!' 'You're
ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't
tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,'
said Bob. 'Well,
just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's
no big deal.' He
did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He
was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He
soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As
he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his
head, and heard..... "BOB,
wake up! You shit the bed!" Getting
OLD just ain't what they said it would be... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Halloween
Rules for Seniors !!!
9.
You remove your false teeth to change your appearance.
8.
You ask for soft high fiber candy only.
7.
When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you
lose your balance and fall over.
6.
People say...'Great Boris Karloff Mask,'
5.
When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or...' And
you can't remember the rest.
you
have a bag full of restraining orders.
doesn't
dislodge your hairpiece.
2.
You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood
with a walker. And
the number one reason Seniors should not goTrick Or Treating...
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A
woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly
behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really
bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she
took it To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so
he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the
Tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and
started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a
little Harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The
roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll
up the windows first.' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These
fit so well they should be in a dictionary. ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in
the middle. BEAUTY
PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage. INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN:
Grapes with a sunburn. SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES:
Something other people have similar to my character lines --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde was shopping at Target and came
across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she
picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
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