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Tom
was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
once his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to
share his fortune. One
evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I
may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in
just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million
dollars." Impressed,
the woman obtained his business card. Three
days later, she became his stepmother. Women
are so much better at estate planning than men. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The
banker saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year-old rancher, in town. Tom
had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was
marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being
a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom
assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new
bride to be. Tom
proudly said, 'She'll be 21 in November.' Now
the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual
appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old
man. Wanting
his old friend's remaining years to be happy, and knowing nature would
take its own course, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should
consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch. Tom
thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that
afternoon. Four
months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's
the new wife?' asked the banker. Tom
proudly said, 'Good -- she's pregnant.' The
banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And
how's the hired hand?' Without
hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.' Don't
ever underestimate old(er) guys and there is hope for us yet. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A
woman from She
climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The
ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would
let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the
surrounding hills. When
they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. 'What
did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station
attendant. 'Nothing,'
the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms
around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall
off.' 'Lady,'
the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks to Kathy
Koziuk Hannaman for the following... A
wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and
buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A
short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The
wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He
replied, "They had avocados." If
you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will
get it the first time. My work is done here. WIFE:
"There is trouble with the car. It has water in the
carburetor." HUSBAND:
"Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous " WIFE:
"I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND:
"You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car? WIFE: "In the pool" THIS
IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN
RECENT YEARS. 25%
of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's
scary. It means 75% are running around untreated. HE
MUST PAY Husband
and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought
with me again, I am coming to live with you." Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake.
I am coming to live with you. Today's
Short Reading from the Bible... From
Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would
be found in all corners of the earth." Then
He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These fit so well they should be in a
dictionary. ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in
the middle. BEAUTY
PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage. INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN:
Grapes with a sunburn. SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed. And
MY Personal Favorite!! WRINKLES:
Something other people have similar to my character lines ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A
business man got on an elevator. When
he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a
bright "T-G-I-F" He
smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T" She
looked puzzled and repeated "T-G-I-F,"
more slowly. He
again answered "S-H-I-T." The
blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile, and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F." The
man smiled back to her and once again said "S-H-I-T." The
exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank
God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The
man answered "S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday duuhhh.' -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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