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Thanks to Kathy Koziuk Hannaman for this interesting bit of humor...   Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Kevin:   Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had.... Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.     Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

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Thanks to Barbara DiBella Dowd for the following...

Subject: The Priest at the Racetrack

 

 

CATHOLIC HORSES 
A punter (gambler) was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. 

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. 
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. 
The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. 
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. 

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. 
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning. 

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ... 
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. 
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

 

The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. 
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'. 
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 

'My Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants.
You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

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Halloween night

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night,when behind him he hears:

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. 

FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

Clappity-BUMP...Clappity-BUMP.
It's right on his heels. The terrified man runs upstairs to the bathroom; he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door...Bumping and clapping toward him.

Clappity-BUMP...Clappity-BUMP. 

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the open casket...

The coffin stops!!!

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The pilot of a jumbo jet turned the intercom on to make an announcement to his passengers.

The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.

Please sit back, relax, and...OH MY GOD!"

Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you.

While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap.

You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled,

"For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"

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BED SHEETS

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.'

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Thanks to Kathy Koziuk Hannaman for the following...

Cletus & Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.

With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

 

(Don't make me come 'splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)         

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Thanks to Joe Carfora for the following...