July 2015 Humor Page

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE:

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp ....
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "birth date" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theatre; start talking .... we are listening!

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.
They like other people's kids.
A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them?
They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

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TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.  
It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.  
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of the bullshit about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.   
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement:  
"Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London.
Shalom!" 

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1.  One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, Floor.

2.  ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3.  If a man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes???

4.  THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE
HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5.  I WENT TO A BOOK STORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?"  SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE!!!

6.  What if there were no hypothetical questions.  

7.  IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8.  IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9.  Is there another word for synonym???

10.  WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11.  WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?

12.  If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages???  

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14.  WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS?
ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15.  If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he "Homeless" or Naked"???

16.  CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17.  IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT?

18.  WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19.  HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20.  WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21.  One thing nice about egotists...they don't talk about other people.

22.  DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

23.  DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24.  HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25 . IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26.  IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27.  If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done???

28.  WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?

29.  WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS?"

30.  WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31.  WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32.  IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES,
DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

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For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly  Navajo woman walking on the side of  the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet  one, she stopped the car and asked the old Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the  woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in  vain to make  a bit of small talk with the old Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at every- thing she saw, studying every little detail.
She then noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag  and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another  moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet  wisdom of an elder, she said.
 'Good trade.'

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It seems that a young man volunteered for Navy service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him
his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes.
Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"

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