Humor February 2016
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A man who'd just died is
delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's
wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the
man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care
what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the
viewing."
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How
much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank
check, "There's no charge."
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that
exquisite blue suit," she says.
"Honestly, ma'am it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue
suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave
wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference
as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads."
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A cab
driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices
that the very handsome young cab driver won't stop
staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, 'I have a question to ask, but I don't
want to offend you.'
She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When
you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I
have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about
that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be
Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm
single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The
nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a
hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you
crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must
confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm
going to a costume party.'
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A
man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I
better go to the doctor."
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend
"there's a new computer at the drug store that
can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a
doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample,
deposit $10, then the computer will give you your
diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a
sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the
machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the
$10. The machine began to buzz and various lights
flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of
paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be
better in two weeks.
That evening as the man contemplated this
breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect
fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine
samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top
it all off, he added something special from himself.
He took this concoction down to the drug store,
poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The
machine went through the same buzzing and flashing
routine as before then printed out the following
message:
Your tap water has lead, get a filter.
Your dog has anemia, give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs, get her into rehab.
Your wife is pregnant, it's not your baby.
And if you don't stop masturbating, your tennis
elbow will never get better.
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One
Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little
Johnny standing in the foyer of the church
staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American
flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the
plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up;
stood beside the little boy; and said quietly,
"Good morning, Little Johnny."
"Good morning. Pastor," he replied,
still focused on the plaque. "Pastor,
what is this?"
The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a
memorial to all the young men and women who
died in the service." Soberly, they just
stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, Little Johnny's voice, barely audible
and trembling with fear asked, "Which
service, the 8:00 or the 10:30?"
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A middle-aged businessman took a young woman
half his age as his wife. The fantasy of
having a young woman in his bed soon became a
nightmare when he found that he could not last
long enough to satisfy his young bride.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing,
the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
After hearing about his problem, the doctor
said, "Try a bit of self-stimulation
before having intercourse with your wife and
you'll find that you'll last longer and
ultimately satisfy her."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called
him at work to let him know that she would be
attacking him at the front door when he
arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling.
I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over
the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the
doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The
Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey
home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on
the road to pull over, climb underneath the
truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear
axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled
beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly,
fantasized about his young wife, and began his
"therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to
complete his therapy session, he felt someone
tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes
tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he
was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, it's the police. Could you tell me
what you are doing, please?" said the
officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's
rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes
while you're down there. Your truck rolled
down the hill a few minutes ago."
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An old guy was
working out at the gym when he spotted a young
hot blonde girl walking in.
He asked the trainer standing next to him,
"What machine should I use to impress
that girl over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the
lobby."
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Late last fall, the
Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation
in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming
winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had
never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at
the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going
to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his
tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold
and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days,
he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called
the Environment Canada Weather Service and asked,
'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite
cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service
responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them
to collect even more firewood in order to be
prepared.
A week later, he called the Environment Canada
Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it
is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied,
'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered
them to collect every scrap of firewood they could
find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Environment
Canada Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to
be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more
and more like it is going to be one of the coldest
winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting
a crap load of firewood'
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This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater
airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and
dies. She frantically calls a May Day:
"May
Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart
attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me!
Please help me!"
All
of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is the tower. I have received your message and
I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience
with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything
will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She
says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K."
says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our
Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."
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