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Humor for May 2016
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A blonde
walks into the police department looking for a job. The
captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to
desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an
interview.
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her
application, the officer asks, "What's
2+2?""Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.
Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one:
"What's the square root of 100?"
"Ummm... 10!" the blonde says.
"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch
from math to history. "OK, who killed Abraham
Lincoln?""Ummm... I don't know," she
admits.
"Well, you can go home and think about it," he
says, "and come back later and tell me what you've
figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of
her.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who
asks her if she got the job.
"Not only did I get the job," the blonde says,
"but I've already been assigned to a murder
case!"
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A very drunk gent
checked into a hotel late one Saturday night.
He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a
bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper.
The bellboy was gone a long time. When he returned, the
man remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this
town on Sunday."
"There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the
bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on
Tuesday."
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After my prostate exam
the Doctor left the room just as the Nurse came in.
As she shut the door,
she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....
She said.... "Who was that?"
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When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law
answered, "Marc, with a C." Minutes later, he was handed his
coffee with his name written on the side:
Cark.
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Married
for Thirty Years
After being married for thirty years, a wife
asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D,
E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I,
J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
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A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man.
Dr: I've got good new and bad news.
Which do you want to hear first?
Patient: I guess the bad news.
Dr: Well, you only have about 3
months to live and there's nothing else we can do. I'm sorry.
Patient: (starts crying)
Dr: Now, now... I know you're
upset... but remember, I also said there was good news.
Patient: Yes, I need some good
news... what is it?
Dr: Well, you know my nurse, Donna.
Patient: (cheering up) Yes?
Dr: You know, the one with the big
breasts?
Patient: (more excited) Yes, yes...
Dr: You know the one that's always
flirting with you every time you come in for a checkup?
Patient: (very excited) Yes, yes -
what about her?
Dr: I finally had sex with her last
night.
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Why We Love
Children and it is a new generation
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?"
she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't
move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher exclaimed
in surprise.
"You know", explained the boy,
"I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later....."Da-ad" "What?" "I'm
thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights
out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad.."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of
water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again,
I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later.. "Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a
drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him
"How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it
over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For
Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his
voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't
dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's
room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for
the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come
forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down,
the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty
dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied,
directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom
says it's a bitch to iron."
When
I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied,
"Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your
butt?"
A
little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus
six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you
doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math
homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother
asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher
replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two
plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so
Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is
falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I
think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'" The teacher
was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play
with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If
I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
A
little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands
next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a
snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair
on your Twinkie."She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get
some boobs too."
Now keep that smile on your face
