As You Slide Down the Banister of Life In 2016...Remember:

1.      Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.

It's called ...'Ministers do more than lay people.

2.Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss is,

the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning,

one brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path

to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the

Drink Spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course,

there's shipping and handling, too.

8 .A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the

impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen -

just vending machines and a large trash can.
 

10.  Definition of a teenager?

God's punishment...for you enjoying sex.

And as you slide down that Banister of Life you should

pray that all the splinters are pointed the other way...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff.
He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia.
The sheriff asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, "What for?"

The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."

The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"


There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

Thanks to Sherrie Proffe Davis for the following...
Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies & gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, & unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake & inconvenience.

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
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There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

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