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The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing" replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth" says the old man.


Good-bye Grandpa

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.  The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock.  He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.  He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.  Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late.  What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.  This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

 
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives during this political campaign, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Bayleys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Waliuminun scriptins, an a bxo a choclutz. Yuz haz kno idr how fablus I feeeel rite now.  Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
All three of the above Submitted by Barbara DiBella class of 1962


"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"No, sir," the clerk replied.
"Interesting." the boss said. "You see, I never did either but yesterday, after you left early to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."


College Freshman
The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow, " said the coach. "I'm impressed, Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman and he was off in a shot and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" said the enthused coach.

"Can you pass a football," the coach asked?

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds.

"Well sir," he said, "if I swallow it, I can probably pass it."

 

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your designer shoes.

The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician's office included the line item "Behavior modification re-enforcers".
Alarm that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician's office to inquire,
"What on earth are behavior modification re-enforcers?"
"Lollipops," was the reply.

A man takes the day off work and Decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears "Ribbit...9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog," the man asks.

'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say?

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit...Las Vegas.
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now What?'"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,  "what do you think I should Bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit...$3000... black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit...Kiss Me."
He figures why not since after all the frog did for Him, he deserves it..

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.

So help me God!!!

 

An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.
On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn't recognize him at first.
"Rob, is that really you?" said the friend. "You look years younger. I didn't know you had a dimple in your chin."
"It's not a dimple, it's my belly button" said the old man and his friend laughed.
"If you think that's funny, take a look at what I'm wearing for a tie!"

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story department store with a sign that reads: "Find your man here." They decide to go in.
At the door, a very attractive security guard explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. You can go up, but not down. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are plain but kind." The friends laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are handsome but poor." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are smart but unattractive." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they keep going.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are handsome, rich and kind." The women get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the eight cents for? asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"That's for the tax." replies the clerk.
"Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put!"