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A
Mormon was seated next
to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After
the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The
Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought
and placed before him.
The
flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a
drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The
Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and
said, "I'll have what he's having...I didn't know
we had a choice."
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The
psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he
couldn't get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's
face while you're having sex?"
"Well,
yes, I did once."
"And
how did she look?"
"Oh
boy, she looked very angry!"
At
this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really
getting somewhere.
"Well
that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your
girlfriend's face once during sex.
That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw
her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
"I have good
news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client who has been on trial
without bail, "Which one would you like to hear
first?"
"Give
me the bad news first, I guess," said the client.
"The
blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with
the sample fluids found on the victim's dress,"
replied the attorney.
"Oh,
no, I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the
good news?"
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"Your
cholesterol is down to 140 so clearly the
prison diet is good for you."
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A
fire fighter is working on the engine
outside the station when he notices a little
boy next door in a little red wagon with tiny
ladders hung off the side and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is
wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the
wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire
fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That
sure is a nice fire truck," the fire
fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks,"
says the little boy.
As
the fire fighter looks a little closer, he
notices the boy has tied the wagon to the
dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little
partner," the fire fighter says, "I
don't want to tell you how to run your fire
truck, but instead of using the dog's
collar, if you were to tie that rope around
the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."
There
was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde
jokes.
One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut
and dyed her hair. She went driving down a
country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for
you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your
flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up
and looked at the herd for a second and then
replied "382".
"Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the
sheep you want to take home." So the woman
went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a
proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I
have my dog back?"
GREAT
TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1)
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize
cats..
2)
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let
her brush your hair.
3)
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
They always Catch the second person.
4)
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a
tomato.
5)
You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6)
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your
hair..
7)
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same
time.
8)
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass
of milk.
9)
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white
shorts.
10)
The best place to be when you're sad is
Grandma's lap.
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A wife was making a breakfast
of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst
into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more
butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO
MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my
gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going
to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER
listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry
up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget
to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use
the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with
you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of
eggs?"
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The husband calmly
replied, "I just wanted to show you what
it feels like when I'm driving."
A
traveling salesman gets lost in the country and ends up knocking on the doors of a farm house late at
night. The farmer says he could put him up,
but he'll have to stay in the barn. So he
spends the night sleeping on a stack of hay.
The next morning the farmer comes in and asks,
"Were you comfortable?"
The salesman says, "I had a great time, I
talked to all the animals."
The farmer makes huge eyes, chuckles and asks,
"You talked to the animals, huh?"
The salesman replies, "Yeah I spoke to
the chickens, they say you collect the eggs
every morning exactly at five minutes after
six."
The farmer laughs and says, "That's
right."
The salesman continues, "The horse tells
me his name is Otis, you've owned him for 10
years."
"That's incredible!" exclaims the
farmer.
"I also spoke to the cow," went the
salesman, "and the cow says that her name
is Elsie and you milk her every morning at
exactly 8:30."
"Wow, who else did you talk to?"
asks the farmer.
The salesman says, "I talked to the
sheep..."
"Those sheep are lying jerks!" barks
the farmer and walks away.
A man and a woman were fast asleep
in bed.
Suddenly, at 4 o'clock in the morning, a
resounding noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from
the bed and yelled at the man:
"Oh No! That must be my husband!
The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and
naked.
He jumped out the window like a crazy man,
smashed on the ground, picked himself up and
went straight through a thorn bush, then he
stood up and started to run as fast as he
could to his car..., then it dawned on him.
A few minutes later the door of the house
opened and the man was standing at it, panting
hard, with dirt and scratches all over him.
He yelled: "I'm your husband, you
asshole!"
And the woman answered:
"Oh, yeah? Then why were you running, you
bastard?!?"
The
ups and downs of the Stock Market
frightened a lot of small investors. One guy
went to his financial adviser and asked if he
were worried.
His adviser replied, "Well, let me put it
this way, I sleep like a baby."
The man was amazed and exclaimed,
"Really? Even with all the market
fluctuations?" Answered the adviser,
"Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then
wake up and cry for a couple of hours."
A son moved away to go to college, taking
leave of his family and the family dog, Blue.
A few months later, his father got a call from
his son.
"Dad," he said, "there's an amazing
program here that teaches dogs to talk!"
That's amazing!' his dad said. 'How do I
get Blue into that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the
son said. 'I'll get him into the
course.'
So his father sent the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the boy
called home again.
'So, how's Blue doing, son?' his father
enquired.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm...
But you just won't believe this. They've
had such good results with talking, they've
begun to teach the dogs how to read.'
'Read?' exclaimed his father. 'No
kidding! How do we get Blue into that
program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him into the
class.'
The money promptly arrived.
But our hero noticed an impending problem. At
the end of the year, his father would find out
that the dog can neither talk nor read.
Then, finally, he came up with a plan. First
he gave the dog to a nice family. Then he went
home at the end of the year to see his excited
father.
'Where's Blue? I just can't wait to talk
with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy said. 'I have some grim
news. Yesterday morning, just before we left
to drive home, Blue kicked back in the
recliner to read the Wall Street Journal. Then
he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is
your dad still seeing that little redhead
barmaid at the pub?"
The father groaned and whispered, 'I hope
you shot that bastard before he talked to your
mother!'
'I sure did, dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The lad went on to be a successful lawyer.
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